Letters to our resident agony aunt

Q

I am an orphan and I live in the depths of a forest with seven super little people who go out to work and bring back enough for us all to live like a happy family , while I stay at home, look after the house and make the meals. My housemates are sweet men and, just to put the record straight, there is absolutely nothing between any of them and me. The problem now is that they have got hold of some girlie magazines and they want to find out about growth hormones. While it is really great to live with seven three footers, I am not sure how I would cope if they doubled their size since the house is pretty cramped as it is. What’s your advice? A second, minor problem is that when I used this new detergent, all my clothes turned snow white. Any suggestions?

A.

I think you should enrol in a karate class and perhaps get some assertiveness training. You should also consider approaching one of the tabloids to sell the story of your next few years. As for your washing powder, why don’t you contact Unilever. I think they would be very interested in analysing it and maybe even paying you a royalty for producing it.



Q
I know you are never going to believe this but miracles do happen. I have only ever worn hand-me-downs and cast-offs from charity shops but recently, I had a chance to go to this rave while my so-called mum, who is really horrid to me, was away. I didn’t think I would be able to go in my rags but then, this monsieur Souris turned up on my doorstep and offered to drive me in his green limousine. Perhaps I was stupid to accept but when I got there, nobody seemed to realize that I was wearing borrowed finery including a pair of glass slippers a size too big. Then this bloke comes up to me and starts chatting me up and spinning me these lines as to how his mum is the Queen and then the penny dropped - he was off his rocker! So I upped and ran. It was midnight anyway and I knew that monsieur Souris would not wait for me after 12. As I ran, one of my shoes came off and this so-called prince picked it up. Now he keeps on putting these ads in the paper to find out to whom the slipper belongs. I am dead scared he will give the game away to my stepmother who will turn nasty. What shall I do?

A.
I think you should try to see a counsellor to help you deal with these fantasies. No man is going to waste time tracing the owner of a size 9 left slipper, which you even claim was made of glass. My dear, you need help. Do not be ashamed to seek it. And, furthermore, you really need to be careful. Girls should not accept lifts from strangers, no matter how nice their vehicles are.